From: Jason
Joe,
I regret to inform you that after a thorough investigation conducted by absolutely no experts whatsoever, we have concluded the following:
This is a critical operational failure. Please locate chips, cookies, or anything within a 6‑foot radius that could technically be considered food.
Has been measured at "suspiciously high." Authorities are monitoring the situation.
Also he might be blaming you for something later. Details pending.
Anyway, this message self‑destructs in approximately never, because nobody implemented that feature.
Have a legendary day.
– Jason